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Things were simpler when I was younger...

I read through some of my blog posts of 2013... I wish I had records of what I typed up in earlier years... I probably do have them hidden somewhere on another blog, parsnips.

I had the sudden revelation while I was teaching piano:
I was SO much more clearer-minded as a child.
As a teenager...
As a young tween.
Something disrupted my whole thinking, central nervous system, mind, and soul when I went to work for LHI.
I think something was killed.
And there was definitely trauma.

When I was younger, I believed things with a genuine innocence. I was honest. I was blinded, maybe, but I was frank and blameless.

Who in the fracking world told me that I HAD to have emotions and feelings to be right?

All the years growing up, I was taught that the heart was deceitful and easily misguided.

Who the blasted liar told me I should have feelings and let them lead me?

How could I be so stupid as to think that they were right?

What alluring lie told me that I was different and had to be weak and affected as they were?

When I was young, I did the right thing because it was the right thing.
I got into conflicts, fights, and horrible situations, but my conscience was clear.

I was an unsettled child because I didn't fit in, but my soul was a rest.  I knew in my mind what was right and what was wrong, and I lived by them as the Gospel truth.
Sure, I was human. I was selfish. I failed. I was weak and often fell into temptation.

BUT. MY. MIND. WAS. CLEAR!!!

I can no longer claim that.

I want to go back. I don't want to live in this whirlwind of emotions and feelings.
It's confusing and wrong and irrational.
I will never get anything done.
I don't care what other people think.
I don't have to have an emotional life to be a human being.
I will love with my actions, which will pour out of my heart, even if it bypasses my feelings and emotions entirely.
Don't expect me to cry over you.
I must always press on forward.
I have left the past bury me deep in my woes for far too long.

I refuse to be bound by these lies any longer. I don't have to be like the rest of humanity. I don't want to. I wasn't designed like that.
I'm not as similar to my mother as I had expected. Yes, she created me by giving me certain books to read, but she didn't necessarily agree with them.
Plus, I chose what to absorb and what not to absorb.

I will use my mind. I will build my mind into a beautiful mind.
My heart must learn to follow.
I will NOT be stupid.
I believe in the power of the mind, especially one that is informed and that continues to seek growth and improvement.
I must not follow after every whim that is presented to me.

~CJ
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